freshoffthefarm | [Future] ...

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with: clay

[Future] ...

The previous night had been a very intense, very long event.

His financial situation had been the involved and intense discussion, while Annie's had been, 'I still owe four thousand on my Audi', and she still wasn't entirely sure why he'd wanted to have such a thorough discussion about their money, other than that he wanted to marry her 'someday', but now that they were back together, Annie knew that there were other things they ought to discuss.

As usual, dinner was taken out, this time at her favorite Italian place not far from the Agency. He was talking, and she was listening... kind of. Really, she was thinking about the reasons they'd broken up, and the things that had taken place after. Not as concerned with the bread basket as he was, Annie stared at her glass before she finally picked it up.

Sipping at her wine, aware that he was still talking, she interrupted with, "Do you think I'm a slut?"

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The financial discussion was something that had to happen. According to him, the ring she accepted, even though it was worn on her right hand, was a place holder for his mother's engagement ring. Annie just didn't know it yet.

Clay was in the middle of telling Annie about his day as specifically as he could, leaving out any details that would get him in trouble. Dinner was good, as was his wine choice.

He'd just asked her what she thought about the situation in Iran, the last answer he was expexting was 'Do you think I'm a slut?' and he almost choked on his veal.

"Annie, what?" He'd never been more confused in his life.

Was that Iran that he'd mentioned? She'd been stuck back on what he'd said several minutes earlier and hadn't been paying as much attention as she'd thought. Now that she had his attention, though, she wasn't going to waste it. As soon as she made sure that he wasn't going to choke to death first. That was the polite thing.

Once he'd brought his coughing under control, she set down her glass and leaned forward on the table, ignoring the waiter that had taken a second glance at her question, too. Her seriousness was the only indication he'd need that she wasn't being funny. "Do you? Do you think that I'm slutty?"

"Only when there's honey involved," while some people may have taken that a wise ass answer Clay was completely serious, "but I always thought that was the point."

He had no idea where any of this was coming from, or why it was coming up now but Annie Walker and slut really never equated the two, unless there was honey involved and to the best of his knowledge she'd only done with him.

The fact that he thought she was slutty at all, especially regarding something that was so personal for the two of them, made her take pause. She shook her head slightly as she sat back again. "No, that wasn't the point."

She could tell that he was extremely confused, so she sat up and crossed her arms over her chest. "What about when Ben was involved? Or Jai. Or... when I'd come to you when I was seeing Jai." She tilted her head and looked at him curiously. "Did that make me a slut?"

"No, Annie. I never thought that." He put his fork down, dinner forgotten for the time being. "I don't know if it made you one or not in the strictest definition of the term, but I never thought you were and I still don't."

"I see." So now she had to deal with whether or not she was one by definition. "Okay."

Then she picked up her wine glass, took a drink and then lifted her fork and knife and went back to her dinner as if she'd never interrupted it in the first place.

Clay thought about everything she mentioned, Ben and Jai. Her Sri Lanka mission still stung when he thought about it, probably because he was more emotionally invested in their relationship than she was back then. Then Jai, the only incident where he supposed it applied was at the state dinner, but even then 'slut' never entered his mind.

He had another bite of his veal before putting his utensils down again, "What did I do that made you think I thought you were?"

"I was just thinking." She gave him a small smile before taking another bite and then focused on her plate again.

The truth was, he hadn't been more emotionally invested back then, but he would never believe her about that and she would never discuss it again. But, considering all of the things that they'd been through regarding the other men in her life, Annie had just wondered how he felt about her in relation to them.

When she realized he wasn't eating, she frowned. "Are you finished?"

"No, and I'd like to know what got you thinking about all this."

Whatever it was, was bothering her, and he was going to talk about it now before it festered and caused them to blow up at one another.

"Jai." Annie took another bite, chewed slowly and then took a drink from her wine glass. "He wanted to know why now after all this time, saw the ring, and then made a comment about how he suspected something after the State Dinner."

She gave a shrug. "Considering we dated for a long time off and on for years after that, he obviously didn't mind much."

Jai, it was always Jai. Sometimes Clay swore Wilcox was an even worse loser than he ever was.

"What did you say?"

He joined her in taking a drink from his wine glass, figuring he was going to need it when he heard her answer.

"I didn't. But the implication was there when he got done talking and I've just been wondering since then. Considering how you and I ended things all those years ago and how Ben always played a mitigating factor in our arguments..." She gave a shrug. "I was just wondering what you thought."

Clay thought about it for a minute, and then decided honesty was the best policy, "I thought, when we met in my office the last time before the dinner, that it had a lot of potential to ruin anything you might have had with Jai. I would have hated myself if that were the case. I didn't know what kind of relationship the two of you had, so I never said anything."

Two more bites of dinner then he continued, "After the State Dinner I was sure of it. When the two of you continued, I thought there was some kind of understanding."

He didn't mention Ben.

"That night in your office, you made me feel kind of trashy, so I avoided you. Actually, you made me feel a lot trashy." She set down her fork completely, feeling her appetite fade. "By the time the State Dinner rolled around, I knew that I couldn't be around you without wanting sex. Every time you touch me, even then and especially now, I get all hot and bothered. When you came up and asked me to dance, it felt like you were rubbing all of that in my face and all I wanted to do was get back at you. Knowing you were thinking about it just as much as I was?" Annie shook her head and gave a sigh. "I barely managed to wait until we were in that room."

Looking up, she caught his eye. "I never told Jai what happened between us. Any of those times between us."

Clay nodded when Annie was done. He didn't think she told Jai.

"I never meant to make you feel trashy." That was the truth, it never even entered his mind that she could have felt trashy.

He refilled their glasses, remembering that Dinner with amazing clarity, "I spent all night debating whether or not to ask you to dance. That's why I danced with all those other women. I was trying to do what I told you I would and stay away." He put the bottle down and took another drink, "After we were done in that office, I just felt used, and I knew I was going to keep up my end of the deal after that and leave you alone. I didn't want to be made to feel like that again, especially by you."

"All you said was 'okay'. Like I'd never meant anything to you. Not an 'I'm sorry' or anything for what had happened before." She felt incredibly sad just reliving all those memories. "I went home that night alone and cried myself to sleep."

"Right before that you told me to leave you alone, I was agreeing with you. What else was I supposed to do? You did tell me I was sick because I was thinking about the last time we attended one of those dinners."

It came out sounding a lot more hurt than he intended, "Then, after all that you told me you hated me." And that was the last time they said more than a perfunctory greeting to each other for five and a half years.

"Because all you said was 'okay'!" It came out sharper and louder than she intended, and she looked around before taking a deep breath and sinking back into her chair. "Because you didn't even try and fight. You just... gave up."

Annie sighed. "It doesn't matter. I'm sorry I made you feel used, Clay. That wasn't-- I just wanted you to go away after that and you did."

"That's what you asked me to do."

"I know. Because I was angry. I felt like I had a right to be angry. I wanted you to go away and you did," she repeated.

Polishing off her second glass, she set it down and propped her hand on her chin. "I just wanted to know if you thought I was slutty because of it."

"No."

It was a relatively simple answer, and it was exactly what he thought. For a long time he thought she was cruel for doing what she did, but never a slut.

It made them even since Annie though he was cruel for doing what he did, but in the end, neither of them had won out.

"Okay."

Clay nodded once then signaled the waiter for the check. He didn't feel much like eating and figured Annie didn't either. The conversation dragged up a lot of emotions that he would have rather forgotten. He paid the bill, then went to pull out Annie's chair.

Edited 2011-10-21 03:09 (UTC)

Annie stood and once he'd helped her into her jacket, she finally raised her eyes to look at him. The pain and hurt was there, but she said with emotion, "I am sorry. And I never stopped loving you, even when I said I hated you. I didn't."

"I know. If you really hated me, you wouldn't have come to my mother's wake, her funeral, or that bar afterward, when I really needed someone. You were the only one who thought to look for me."

That said more to him than her declaration of hate, six years earlier.

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